Being something of a casual insomniac in that I tend to be awake at night, when my head is at its most furious and my mind cannot stop its chattering, you would think I’d have grown accustomed to the silence the darkness brings. Save for the hum of this computer and the passing of cars, there is virtually no sound. Yet now, as I sit here in perpetual darkness with only the light of this screen to chase away the shadows, I feel…odd. It’s eerie, strange, new.
It’s half-five in the morning, I’m utterly exhausted and yet sleep seems a lifetime away. Thank goodness I don’t have work tomorrow, I’d be a wreck.
Unfortunately Shiva’s condition (and Wolf’s continuous crying) has kept me up the past few nights, not that I grudge either. It’s not their fault. I just wouldn’t mind some rest during normal hours.
Shiva’s condition hasn’t really improved. It hasn’t gotten that much worse either but it’s not a good sign, although given the situation I’m not entirely sure why I’m searching for “good signs”; there are no such things when it comes to terminal illnesses. I should know that by now. Still, I count myself as fairly rational and quite a logical-thinking person and yet here I am doing the utmost to defy all rationale and logic. I am enslaved to humanity and am bound by cruel emotions. No matter how hard I try to be “unhuman”, no matter what I do to avoid this sort of nonsense, I can’t seem to escape it. I suppose I prize my mind too highly and think myself able to separate my mortality from my psyche. Apparently not so.
I’m missing Ryan already. Oh, he’s the new fella in my life. I mentioned him a while back, about the date I was going on. I’m surprised I didn’t blog about what happened - probably too busy nattering to Kylie about it. Ah yes, just checked my blogs. He’s also the one I mentioned in December - the youngest of the new neighbours. I can confirm that he is indeed a year younger (bastard!) so it’s all cool. Or cool beans. Is that the hip word? I can’t keep up. Anyway, he’s really sweet. We’ve only been seeing one another since January 15th (see, blogs are good for something; I’m usually hopeless with dates) but I feel like I’ve known him a lifetime. We have many similarities - we enjoy dark humour, we’re both quite sarcastic and he’s playful - as well as a fair few differences - he’s sporty, I’m not; he likes swimming, I don’t; he prefers cats, I beat him for being a fool - but I think I actually like our differences. Something nice about it. He plays football a fair bit and it’s nice to go and watch him. Sure, the game bores me to death but it’s not about that. And there’s something about a sweaty man in shorts. 
He’s currently out of the country and yeah, I can’t deny it sucks not having him here. I’ve got Mark and Meryl but I’m sure you know it’s not the same. Besides, they have lives of their own - not that Ryan doesn’t or that I’d expect him to be here but…eh, I dunno. I’m not sure what my point was/is. Just waffling I guess.
I’m drained already. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to cope with everything that’s yet to come. I still have to face the inevitable decision to put Shiva to sleep and the coming memorials won’t be easy. I’m going to lose a lot of sleep over this next month. Maybe I should ask my GP for something to help me along. It’s just that my head buzzes so much that I can’t sleep; it’s like that little voice just kicks in and that’s it. I can only sleep when it decides to shut up, and given everything that’s happening it’s more active than ever. Honestly, my own head drives me insane at the best of times but this is just ridiculous. And the worst part of it all is that you can’t escape yourself (without the use of powerful sleep inducing drugs or a hard, brick pillow).
Ugh…it’s six now. I can hear the birds outside. Satan give me strength…
The Long Goodbye
The title may be a tad misleading in that it’s not truly goodbye but it seems relatively fitting. Anyway, onwards to the purpose of this blog: a public explanation of my recent decisions to resign from all official posts.
Oh good. For a moment I was worried that I was perhaps speaking in tongues. Lately I’ve found myself having to repeat what I say over and over again in different ways just to get through to that vacant organ people keep in their rat’s maze of a head. Now I’ve debated with the terminally thick since I first came online but lately it’s as if people are just becoming more and more lazy to the point they just overload, shut down and stop listening to everything everyone else says. Is Bill Gates multiplying or something?
In terms of terror suspects that is. It seems that rather than waste time picking people out who look remotely Muslim (which has suddenly become less of a religion and more of a race it seems), when it comes to boarding planes the real bastards are people who wear clothing that may “offend other passengers or threaten security.“ I don’t know about you but a t-shirt proclaiming George Bush to be a terrorist isn’t exactly a serious issue, let alone one enough to throw someone off a plane - and apparently previous flights agree.
What amuses me is that little addition - “offen other passangers or threaten security“.
Sticks and stones anyone?
Wow, WordPress’ preview blog feature shows me the little userbar doodad you have (My Account, My Dashboard, New Post, etc.) AND it’s interactive and clickable and stoof.
Weird.
What?
Ugh…4 hours sleep and I’m going for a drink or two with the staff tonight. I’m going to have to crawl home tonight, and not because of inebriation either.
If you sent me a PM today or last night, you’ll probably not get a response until tomorrow or when I get my sight back, whichever comes first. 
Move over Mehrunes Dagon, there’s a new calamity in town. I always said - and the staff can quote me on it - that I’d bring InvisionFree down, that I’d break something, and at long last the prophecy has been fulfilled. Yes, today I successfully deleted the Beta test board’s forums (clicky). Well, possibly not deleted. You see I was attempting to remove staff permission from viewing them on account of a reported problem, essentially meaning not a soul could view them. Instead it appears when I edited it they were all gone. Just like that. Yarr! Fear my calamity. 
All is well now. Heh, I completely crapped it when I saw what happened. Scotty was on at the same time but I just knew it had been my doing. So, yeah, I won’t be going near the ACP anytime soon. 
Screenshot taken by teh bootiful Dyegov.
Yep, contrary to how it may seem, I am indeed still alive. I haven’t blogged in Lord knows how long and my activity hasn’t been spectacular lately. I *could* put it down to laziness, that has always been a problem that kicks in every now and then (’sall Merc’s fault) but I don’t think it is. No, this time it’s something more, something I can’t quite put my finger on.
…and the youngest brother (roughly my age, maybe a year or two younger) is the secks. They’re moving in today so I only had time for a quick “how do you do” this morning. Can’t wait to get introduced properly, they seem like nice people, which makes a pleasant change from the folk here who seem to all be hybrid love-children of Ann Widdecombe and George Galloway, with a little bit of David Cameron thrown in for good measure. Two brothers, their sister and a friend in the flat opposite. Here’s to hoping for sane people.
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