Captain’s Log: 1337

It sounded better than just “update”. Well what a week - what a month - it’s been. I’m feeling much better since the loss of Shiva, though I can’t say the same for poor Wolf. He’s missing her dearly, that’s for sure. Poor thing just isn’t the same now but he’ll be alright; plenty of warm hugs and affection will soon see him right. I still call out for her when I gather the dogs to go for a walk and the other day I felt the sharpes pang of bitter reality when I set down her bowl and realised she wasn’t going to be eating. Save for these occasional moments when I forget to adjust my routine, I’m getting used to her not being here. But onto the good news…

We’ll be holding the memorials this week for my mum and Meryl’s brother. Everything is prepared (I decided it would help to keep my mind focused if I got onto it ahead of time) but the waiting is agonising. I’ve never been great for waiting when I know something’s coming, either I get excited or dread brings me out in cold sweats. Obviously in this case it’s the latter. But this is normal.

Ryan’s been by my side the whole time and I appreciate his companionship. Especially following Shiva’s death, who was afterall my longest standing companion, it’s nice to have that…I dunno…security, peace of mind? It’s just nice to know he’s there for me. I think it’s a good sign that he’s stuck around; anyone who can put up with me during an emotional roller coaster, when it’d be easier mud-wrestling a group of menopausal women, is certainly a shining star.

I’ve decided to return to ninjustu once more, at least I’m going back to my meditations. I’d forgotten how wonderful they are and recently I’ve been using the exercises to help with stress. I’m not quite as fit as I was back when I practiced this nigh on every day but it’ll all come back to me. I still kick ass and that’s what matters. Although I do need to restrain myself lest I attempt to run before I can walk (although given I’ve already learned to walk, I’ve just stopped for some time, would it be technically “re-learning” to walk?), as the saying goes. It’s good though, my times have been turned around lately and now I’m going to bed at what I believe humans refer to as a “suitable bedtime” which of course allows me to get up earlier. I’d almost stopped appreciating a fresh morning (well you would in Winter when you’re greeted by rain and clouds and snow).

Come next week I still have one further hurdle to leap, and the problem is the not knowing; vague sounding huh? Well, that’s how it all is for me. Suffice to say though it’s what’s keeping me on edge most of all but I’m hoping I’ll be getting a good phone call (or preferably not one at all) as opposed to the dreaded Call of Doom. Knowing my luck this month will be a prelude to a shitty March but I can remain deleriously optimistic. This particular episode permitting, I’m hoping to make a return to normal activity in the beginning of next month. It’ll be nice to get back to everything. When things go quiet it’s odd not being on the computer, scavaging one of the forums, suspending someone here, filing harassment suits there. For now my goal for getting back is just to become an active member once more; if that collapses then things will be taking a very different route altogether. But here’s to hoping eh?