Birthday

Totally long overdue but hey, at least I don’t have to worry about spam now. ^_^ You’ll have to forgive that I haven’t changed the present tense to past but I can’t be bothered.

Anyway, another year has passed and once again I find myself at that inevitable (unless you lack birth, like Ben, who was just brought into existence) day during which you reflect times past, receive gifts and, if you’re like me, get stinking drunk. Yeah yeah, I don’t drink much these days so I’m allowed to before the moral police pounce on me. But seriously, it’s been quite a day. Since I’m in the mood (perhaps the alcohol hasn’t worn off entirely) I’m going to share what this day is like for me, in general. Where better to begin than with the simple fact surrounding each and every birthday: it is a day of great joy (my grumpiness/old man routine is semi-real; I don’t wish to really get younger ) but also one in which my heart retains some weight.
But let’s keep things chronological, for my sake moreso. I get easily confused and distracted otherwise, like now. So yeah. I was up somewhat late last night/this morning, as some on IF may be aware. Not surprising, the forum has become a second home, made homely by wonderful people who have shown me much kindness, empathy, support and satire over the years (all two of them) but more on them – or should I say you, who else reads this thing? – later. I was, as happens every year, awoken by the insisting thud on my chest that would be my neice. (For those who don’t know, my neice, my brother, my best friend and I all live together.) I’m used to this so nowadays, as old as I’m getting, I manage to sit upright before she lodges her knees in my abs permanently. I’ll skip through the duller parts and fastforward to breakfast; Mark always lets my neice “help” with breakfast. In truth she makes it, it’s him that’s helping. She’s quite a dominent little thing. Ever wondered what mould and sugar tastes like together? Try my neice’s pancakes, I’m sure they get pretty close to it. “Well toasted” she calls them. I still have one left over from last year, currently holding up my desk. o_O

Anyway, Mark and Meryl decided to take me out for an adult lunch – that is, one comprising of no kids, not a stip club or something. It was pretty nice. I was hot today so it was nice to be outside. We went to the park and found a cool spot to have a picnic. ^_^ Wolf decided to steal my chocolate croissant though, glad I had a backup otherwise I’d have wrestled it from his jaws. Seriously, don’t come between me and my chocolate pastry. But as the day went on we inevitably went for a ‘night out’ – except it wasn’t really night, but it was out, so one out of two ain’t bad. I haven’t relaxed quite so much in some time, especially with work and all. But it was nice. Have to admit I had to adjust slightly; not used to the club scene anymore. But as noted earlier, it was nice. Have to admit, since I’m not used to drinking much anymore things are a bit of a blur considering how much I must have downed.

Anyway, after we got home I rested for a while, the others hit the hay soon enough but I stayed up. And thus we come to the part of the day that’s not so happy for me. Every year on my birthday I light two candles in my bedroom, each on opposite sides of a photograph of my mum. I miss her all the time but as I’m sure anyone who’s ever lost a loved one will know it’s these silly little days that are insignificant in reality but hold great sentimental value that I miss her the most. I’m not sure why. Is it because I wish she was here simply to spend time with her, to share the joy, or perhaps because as this marks yet another year it signifies my growing older and I want to see that reflective expression of pride on her face? Perhaps I simply wish for what I can’t have. I don’t know, but what use is reasoning with grief? It’s simply how it is, how I feel. I must painfully admit that as much as I’ve tried to move on, it seems after all this time even now nothing has filled that void she left behind. Perhaps this is normal, maybe when people are so significant they can never be “replaced” (not the greatest word, nor the correct one, but the closest I can think of). And I’m sure some would say these rituals that stir up the ghosts of the past probably don’t help but to me it does, it keeps my sanity. Reminds me of life and why it’s so important. Almost lost it once, won’t let that happen again. As morbid a fascination as it may be, I often think that without this – without reflecting on our losses, without delving into the darkness, embracing its shadowy grasp and resurfacing, alive, well but accompanied with fear, doubt and pain – we, or at least some of us, wouldn’t be human.

Heh, as a non-believer of Heaven and such I wish I could reassure myself that she’s “smiling down on me” but bollocks to that. I am however spiritual so I’m sure her essence is somewhere, whatever that essence may in fact be, and wherever for that matter.

But still, life goes on and I’m happy to report that, rememberance aside, today has been a pretty happy day. I am a very reflective person, have always been, and over the years I’ve reflected on IF numerous times. It’s incredible how one website out of, what, billions? can hold significance. But then it’s not the website per se, rather the people. I’ve said it umpteen times but I’m happy to repeat myself: I’m truly lucky to have found such a wonderful community and met the great people that make it. I’ve made some good friends on IF, and it’s only a coincidence that many are staff (my liking you isn’t a prerequisite, but it helps; I’m the one who does the laundry). It can be difficult to understand the staff when you’re a member (I know, I recall those days), especially as we interact behind the scenes as well, but the staff are a fantastic bunch of mixed characters, from the oddballs to the rogues, from the ditzy to the plain insane, the cool, the intelligent, the curious, the insightful and the homocidal-at-weekends. I’ve had a lot of laughs and done a lot of thinking, whether you see IF as just another community or not, the people we have around are incredible once you delve into their worlds a little. And the team are wonderfully supportive, Stephen and Seth practically mentored me when I was the new guy, which I didn’t expect. Everyone has played a significant part in my time. I come for the moderating, but I stay for the people. Or something like that. And that isn’t limited to the staff, by no means, there are many regulars who are great people that I equally cherish. There’s just so many around that naming everyone is hard, at least without forgetting at least one person. But I’m sure you all know who you are, and you have all played a significant role in my time which I thank each and every one of you for.

Anyway, this isn’t healthy for my reputation as a meanie so I’ll sign off and resolve to say: thank you all for your wishes, your company and your kindness to me. ^_^